The Rules Of Deathproof CrossFit

• No Whining.  Whatever it is, it is probably tough to bear.  It doesn't mean anyone else is interested in hearing about it.  We're here because it's tough not despite the fact.

• No gum in the gym.  Why?  Because you're a grown-assed adult and finding it stuck to the floor, rig or behind weight stacks does nothing to improve our commitment to your health and fitness.  There are tons of things that shouldn't be in the gym.  Garden rollers, pitch forks, armadillos, 8 track audio systems, roulette tables, barnacle removers and swans to name but a few.  Why we have to call out gum is beyond ridiculous.  Keep stuff that shouldn't be in there out of there.

• Put it away when you're finished.

 

• Stack weights neatly.  Not because we're obsessive about tidiness but because we're obsessive about safety.  Badly stacked weights could topple and kill a midget.

 

• Write down your score.  You may not be proud of today's result but your boxmate may be enormously inspired because of the comparison with their own score and given how much they respect you that's a big thing.  Feed them that impetus willingly.  Be generous with your motivation.

 

• Do not ghost kettlebells.  They bounce unpredictably and could maim a midget.

 

• Don't drop a barbell if you have the technique to lower it safely.

 

• We admire your enthusiasm and how much you want other athletes to improve but leave the coaching to the coaches.  

 

• Never interrupt a PT session unless its safety related.  You're just not that important.  Deal!

 

• You will do 10 burpees for every minute you are late.  You will do them out of respect for everyone else.  No burpees, no workout.  Coaches will lead by example.

 

• Check your ego at the door.  We want to find our weaknesses and eliminate them.  Search constantly within yourself not within others.

 

• Only a total tool would count short.  You're fooling no one by cutting your reps short.  In the final analysis you will be found wanting regardless of the lies on the whiteboard.

 

• Pay on time.  We have bills and wages to pay.  If you haven't paid for membership then you get charged drop-in rate.  You wouldn't expect to walk out of McD's with a Big Mac for 50c or on credit.

 

• You're not the only athlete at this box.  Get used to it.  We can't provide convenience for everyone.  All of the peeps some of the time and some of the peeps all of the time.  Reality!

 

• No performance enhancing drugs ever!  WTF?  Seriously? If you’re going to come to our gym and do drugs then have the courtesy to reciprocate and arrange a fat line on a hooker’s ass for us each to honk on back at your place.  We’ll bring our own straws.

 

• Stay and cheer on the last guy.  Don't ever expect a coach to accommodate the fact that you need to leave early.  They may do so but don't expect it.  You may wind up going home WODless.

 

• Technique precedes intensity which precedes volume.  No one cares how much you can quarter squat.

 

• Spandex shorts must be filled naturally and fully.

 

• Never drop an unloaded bar

 

• Chalk stays in the bucket.

 

• Never jump rope on the olympic lifting platforms.

 

• Never place a kettlebell on the olympic lifting platforms.

In fact, you’re gonna have to be fairly creative to come up with something to do on the olympic platforms which actually is allowed.  Why not try some olympic lifting and save yourself the brain-ache?

• If you’re going to tell the coach you can’t do something then have the courtesy to add the word “yet” to the end of the sentence.  There’s is nothing more disheartening to a trainer than having someone declare that they’ve given up.  

 

• Never ever use air quotes unless making fun of someone.  This one is likely to earn you a thunder punch in the undercarriage.

 

• Do not consume drinks of any kind unless directed by the coach.  You will not dehydrate in 30 minutes.  Reaching for a bottle is akin to suckling on your mommy.  Harden up, Tiger!  If you desire comfort so badly you’ll stop competing then you’ll think nothing of reaching over for another slice of pizza you don’t need.  Let’s break that habit now.  Discipline!

 

• Reserve your place in class.  Sign up and sign in.

 

• No one wants to wait for you to finish your conversation.  Pay attention.  It could be a point of safety that you’re ignoring in order to discuss the status of the latest TV talent show.

• When working to the point of passing out, your Ps and Qs may slip.  We allow expletives.  They're inevitable.  However, if you utter any racial epithet, slur or expression of bigotry then you'd better produce a doctor's note with a Tourette's syndrome diagnosis or you'll be hitting the bricks immediately.  We don't tolerate that kind of behavior ever.  No excuses!

Sanctions:

• If someone you don’t know comes into the box and you’re not in the middle of a WOD then go introduce yourself to them or suffer 10 burpees.

 

• If burpees are in the workout and your trainer says “burpees” at any time then you must respond with a hearty “Yay burpees!”.  The trainer will appraise the group’s attempt to respond and will punish feeble efforts with a sentence of burpees for the entire group.